I am choosing to tell my story because I think every time we do we inspire, empower and give permission to other people.

I was born and raised in Germany, one of the wealthiest and safest countries and yet I didn’t feel safe in the world. My earliest life experiences were marked by loss, separation, isolation, fear and literally fighting for my life. I did live and leave hospital, only to come home to parents who were wounded by their early childhood during the war and were not able to give me the nurture and emotional safety I would have needed.

Back in the 1970s there was no recognition of what we now call perinatal trauma and developmental trauma. The belief was that I was lucky because I had survived and been too young to remember. Now we know that our bodies do remember. And my body did remember.

In many ways I had a privileged life growing up and from the outside things looked pretty good but on the inside things weren’t going so well. I escaped Germany to come to university in Scotland. I was thinking I would leave all my troubles behind. Little did I know that all this came with me.

As I understand now I had been running away from all the pain and hurt that was there for me from early childhood; something I did not want to know about and certainly not feel. It did not feel safe to go anywhere near it. Instead, I had been living life in a dysfunctional and compromised way. When my health started being compromised to an extent which I could no longer ignore, I had to start looking at why my body was breaking down and giving me all these ME/CFS symptoms. It wasn’t until I started my healing journey that I recognised the true impact of what I had experienced.

For me it was a journey from my head, where I had survived, into my body and heart. It wasn’t until I learnt body-based somatic healing practices such as Focusing, Somatic Experiencing and Tension Release Exercises (TRE) which helped me to connect to my body that all the puzzle pieces started to align. Along the way I also had to learn to give ‘my younger self’ the love and safety, she would have needed, but never got. Only then could I show up as the trusting, grounded and grown woman that I am today.

I have done my healing work and travelled from the darkness into the light. And there is still a layer, like a scar, that has not faded and can still raise its head at times; but now I have the skills and capacity to meet and work with it. I use all my somatic practices regularly because they keep me in my body, safe, grounded and whole-heartedly connected to myself and the world.

These days I find life beautiful and laugh more than most. I am experiencing inner states of peace, joy and love that I never dreamt possible or even knew existed. I feel truly alive and I can comfortably be ‘me’ in all my strength, sensitivity and vulnerability.

Thriving now is a choice, that I make every day. I am taking good care of myself and my body. I spent time in nature and have a spiritual dimension in my life through my Buddhist and Focusing practices. I seek opportunities to be playful, find joy in small things and be in community with others.